School with Chronic Pain

I have fibromyalgia.  It comes with many daily struggles, but one of the biggest issues I’ve had to deal with has been school.  I’ve been in pain since I was eleven.  At first, there was no “fog”.  In case you don’t know, people with chronic pain sometimes have days where we just can’t seem to get our brains to work right.  We refer to this as “fog”, because it feels like our mind is foggy.  We know the facts we need are in there, we just can’t quite make them out, as though there is a layer of fog in front of them.  Every year that I’ve had fibro, there is been just a little more fog than the year before.  I was in theater in high school, and I love it at first, but by 11^th grade, I never knew if I’d be able to remember my lines at all.  Some days, I knew every single one of them.  Other days, I didn’t even know who I was playing.  This same problem arose in other subjects, like history, or math.  I would be taking a test, and I could tell you exactly what page the answer was on in the book, and where on the page it was located, but I had no idea what it was.  I felt like I was getting “dumber” every semester, and I didn’t know why.  Then there were the physical problems. Walking from the parking lot to the building was always torture.  I did have a few special “privileges” because I had a doctors note, so I was allowed extra time between classes, use of the elevator, and I could type everything instead of write.  This, however, brought up a lot of questions that are hard to explain to other kids.  I don’t know why I’m in so much pain this young.  I don’t know if it will ever get better.  No, I’m not feeling better today, it doesn’t work like that.  Now I’m in college.  It’s just as difficult, but nobody asks questions.  I’m an extrovert, so it’s not that I avoid talking altogether, I just keep the conversations away from those topics.  Most of my professors don’t understand what I’m going through at all, and I don’t expect them to.  Some days, I’m very active in class and I know everything that’s going on.  Other days I have to check my calendar to figure out what class I’m in.  Once I needed something from the office, they asked me what my name was, and I had to pull my ID out because I couldn’t remember.  I laugh it off when it gets this bad, but it’s really not funny.  It’s kind of terrifying.  I don’t tell anyone I’m scared because I don’t want to look weak, but how would you feel if you suddenly didn’t know which state you were in, or what your name was?  I have a system when this happens, if I can find a place to be alone, where I start saying aloud the most current facts about my life I can remember, and it usually sorts itself out after a minute or two.  I think one thing that makes college harder is that it isn’t the same thing everyday like high school was.  In high school, I went to the same classes at the same times every day, five days a week.  In college, some classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, others are Mondays, it gets a little bit more confusing.  The parking lots are also much bigger.  I can never help wondering what people think when they see me in the disability office.  I don’t look like someone who is in too much pain to write with a pencil.  I got my associates degree last year, and now I’m working on my bachelors.  Every year feels a little bit harder, I worry I won’t be able to do it anymore one day.  I don’t want to stop at my bachelors, but what if I have to?  Every episode of “fog” leads to all of these worries and fears that we generally choose not to share.  Every time we walk from one class to another, we are in so much pain that we wonder if we can do it all again in next hour, or tomorrow, or next week.  People with chronic pain who are in school are living completely different lives than anyone realizes.  School is a totally different monster for us than it is for some.  I have to say, though, for those of you who are doing it anyways, who refuse to give up and let the pain win, don’t stop.  You can do it.  You aren’t alone.  You are amazing.