I have fibromyalgia.
It comes with many daily struggles, but one of the biggest issues I’ve
had to deal with has been school. I’ve
been in pain since I was eleven. At
first, there was no “fog”. In case you
don’t know, people with chronic pain sometimes have days where we just can’t
seem to get our brains to work right. We
refer to this as “fog”, because it feels like our mind is foggy. We know the facts we need are in there, we
just can’t quite make them out, as though there is a layer of fog in front of
them. Every year that I’ve had fibro,
there is been just a little more fog than the year before. I was in theater in high school, and I love
it at first, but by 11th grade, I never knew if I’d be able to
remember my lines at all. Some days, I
knew every single one of them. Other
days, I didn’t even know who I was playing.
This same problem arose in other subjects, like history, or math. I would be taking a test, and I could tell
you exactly what page the answer was on in the book, and where on the page it
was located, but I had no idea what it was.
I felt like I was getting “dumber” every semester, and I didn’t know
why. Then there were the physical
problems. Walking from the parking lot to the building was always torture. I did have a few special “privileges” because
I had a doctors note, so I was allowed extra time between classes, use of the
elevator, and I could type everything instead of write. This, however, brought up a lot of questions
that are hard to explain to other kids.
I don’t know why I’m in so much pain this young. I don’t know if it will ever get better. No, I’m not feeling better today, it doesn’t
work like that. Now I’m in college. It’s just as difficult, but nobody asks
questions. I’m an extrovert, so it’s not
that I avoid talking altogether, I just keep the conversations away from those
topics. Most of my professors don’t
understand what I’m going through at all, and I don’t expect them to. Some days, I’m very active in class and I
know everything that’s going on. Other
days I have to check my calendar to figure out what class I’m in. Once I needed something from the office, they
asked me what my name was, and I had to pull my ID out because I couldn’t
remember. I laugh it off when it gets
this bad, but it’s really not funny. It’s
kind of terrifying. I don’t tell anyone
I’m scared because I don’t want to look weak, but how would you feel if you
suddenly didn’t know which state you were in, or what your name was? I have a system when this happens, if I can
find a place to be alone, where I start saying aloud the most current facts
about my life I can remember, and it usually sorts itself out after a minute or
two. I think one thing that makes
college harder is that it isn’t the same thing everyday like high school
was. In high school, I went to the same
classes at the same times every day, five days a week. In college, some classes are on Tuesdays and
Thursdays, others are Mondays, it gets a little bit more confusing. The parking lots are also much bigger. I can never help wondering what people think
when they see me in the disability office.
I don’t look like someone who is in too much pain to write with a
pencil. I got my associates degree last
year, and now I’m working on my bachelors.
Every year feels a little bit harder, I worry I won’t be able to do it anymore
one day. I don’t want to stop at my
bachelors, but what if I have to? Every episode
of “fog” leads to all of these worries and fears that we generally choose not
to share. Every time we walk from one
class to another, we are in so much pain that we wonder if we can do it all
again in next hour, or tomorrow, or next week.
People with chronic pain who are in school are living completely
different lives than anyone realizes.
School is a totally different monster for us than it is for some. I have to say, though, for those of you who
are doing it anyways, who refuse to give up and let the pain win, don’t
stop. You can do it. You aren’t alone. You are amazing.
