Just a glimpse of my day with a flare.
I woke up around 3am to pee.
That’s not weird, we all do it.
This morning was different, though.
This morning when I went to move the blankets off of myself, I was
greeted with excruciating pain from the right side of my neck to the left side
of my ass. I barely twist my torso or
turn my head to the right. I didn’t just
sleep wrong. The pain in my neck had
started the day before, it was just way worse now from being asleep. I made my way to my feet and almost fell back
down. My ankles were in quite a bit of
pain, too.
[For those unaware, a fibro flare is what we call it when
the pain is just way worse. Many things
can cause a fibro flare, including the weather, emotional stress, and physical
stress. For me, a flare caused by
physical stress almost never lasts more than a week. Flares in general can last anywhere from a
day to several months. I’m lucky today,
I know what caused this flare. I worked
too hard. My job isn’t physically
demanding, but I lifted one too many light boxes, left myself turned to the
side for too long, didn’t sit down enough, etc. over the last two days, and now
I’m paying for it. At least it won’t
last too long, my guess would be a day or two, as long as I rest, take Epsom salt
baths, do some gentle stretches, and be careful.]
After I got back in bed, it was hard to sleep. I had been extra tired from working a few
more hours than I normally do, so I scheduled my day in a way where I could
sleep until about 11am. That didn’t
really happen. I kind of dozed in and
out of sleep until my alarm went off. It’s
difficult to sleep when your body screams at you every time you move at
all. I had planned all week to work
today, and one of my least favorite things is letting the pain ruin my plans,
so I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, got dress, and had some breakfast. I took a norco. I usually only try to take them one half at a
time, but I took a whole one. I hate
taking norco, it destroys my stomach, sometimes it gives me headaches, and it
throws off my sleep cycle. The pain was
too bad not to. I put on some eyeliner before I left for work. If I have at least a tiny bit of makeup on,
nobody asks me if I’m feeling okay. I
hate that question. By most peoples’
standards, I haven’t felt okay since I was 12 years old. Okay for me is a terrible day for a healthy
person, so “are you feeling okay” is kind of a surprisingly complicated
question for me. By the time I was about
halfway to work, my range of motion had greatly increased just from moving
around some. Driving kind of forces you
to turn you head no matter how bad it hurts, which helps up to a certain point
on days like this. Around this time, I
started trying to decide how I wanted to word the fact that I could do all of
my regular sit down work, but I would need help with any lifting that needed
doing at all. That’s when the feelings
hit. There are so many emotions that
come with fibro, it’s infuriating. The
closer I got to the office, the more I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty
for what I was going to be asking. I
should mention that nobody there has ever given me any reason to feel this
way. I work with friends, and they’re
very understanding and kind. The only
person who gets mad when I do this, the only person who accuses me of being
lazy and not trying hard enough, is me.
I was mad that what I had done the last two days had been too much for
my body to deal with. Even though I didn’t
feel like it was too much, I was mad that I hadn’t realized sooner that it
was. I was mad that I let myself get
that far. I was embarrassed to ask for
help. I was ashamed that I can’t be
stronger. I felt guilty because everyone
else had worked so much harder than me all week, and I’M the one needing help
now. I got to work, I made my
request. The response was as it always
is, as I had expected it to be. “Just
let us know what you need help with.” I
spent the day trying to avoid socializing.
It’s really difficult and emotionally draining for me to not be social,
I’m an extrovert by nature. I know that
not talking to people is going to make me feel worse, but I just feel like if I
talk to anyone, they’ll see the pain all over my face and think I’m weak. I also know how ridiculous that is.
I’m home now. We
ordered dinner, cooking was out of the question for me today. My brain is all fuzzy and everything
hurts. I have homework to do this
weekend, and an exam I have to take online tomorrow, and I’m not sure how I’m
supposed to do well when I feel like this.
I’ll feel better in a day or two.
